Friday, June 17, 2011
We stare at each other across the room. Both of our eyes are narrowed in silent fury. We don't speak, we don't move, we just stare. It's a battle of wills, a fight of the mind....and she's winning. I feel myself deflating like a balloon, curling up in defeat, losing my purpose, my resolve.
Anyone think this would be a typical Mother/Daughter scene. And of course you may have made the assumption that my daughter is well into her teens. Not the case, sorry, and I'm saying sorry more to myself than anyone else. Truth be told my daughter is only 8 years old.
I'm not quite sure exactly when it happened or how it happened. It sort of crept up on me, king hit me when I wasn't looking. My beautiful, smart, funny and adoring child no longer looks at me as a pillar of perfection, she no longer regards me as all that is good and true. (Unlike Mr 5, see Wednesday's post) She sees what is really going on here; me pretending to know what I'm doing....because really I don't have a clue.
Now, I'm not saying that she's running amok. She's perfectly behaved at school, she mostly does what she is told at home. But it is all done with a mix of defiance and attitude. Her eyes roll when I tell a joke, she thinks my fairy stories are passe, and don't get me started on my random dancing and singing around the house......"Mum, you're sooooo embarrassing."
Maybe I'm a little zanier than the usual Mum? Maybe she has every reason to think I'm a touch foolish? But to be truthful every time she scowls at my antics my heart breaks just a little.
We've been through so much together. There was a time when she was all I had and I was everything to her, the centre of her little world just as she was the centre of mine.
She still is of course, my world had just grown to encompass several other little (and big) people.
My first baby is growing up, she starting to set off into the world. I'm not her biggest influence anymore. She no longer thinks I'm the most wonderful person alive. I guess I'm OK with that. I guess that it has to happen sooner or later and she may just be an early riser.
There are times though, when it all comes racing back, when she climbs into my lap for a cuddle and I hold her and I capture a moment when she is mine...all mine.
And I remember that time, the time when everything was black and she was the singular ray of sunshine...lighting the way.