'Daddy?'
'Yes, My boy'
'Why is your face spiky?'
'When you get to be a grown up like me your face grows hair on it'
'Spiky hair'
'Yes, spiky hair'
'But not Mum?'
'No, Mum doesn't get hair on her face'
'Mum has a soft face, Mum has a pretty face'
'Yes, Mum is soft and pretty'
'When I'm a Dad I'll have a spiky face just like you'
'Sure will mate, just like Dad'
'And I'll marry a lady soft and pretty like Mum'
Below is the same conversation but I am adding gestures, expression and scenery.
A soft light filtered from the lamp on the bedside table, filling the room with a gentle glow. On a small and heavily covered bed lay a young boy, his arms wrapped around the larger form of his Father.
The boy reached up and softly stroked his Father's cheek,
'Daddy?' he asked softly
'Yes, my boy' answered his Father
'Why is your face spiky?' the boy reached up and rubbed his Father's face vigorously.
His Dad laughed out loud, "When you get to be a grown up like me your face grows hair on it'
'Spiky hair?'
'Yes, spiky hair'
The boy regards his Father quietly and seriously for a moment.
'But not Mum?'
'No, Mum doesn't get hair on her face'
The boy pauses briefly, still rubbing his Father's face gently and thoughtfully.
He then spoke quietly...barely a whisper,
'Mum has a soft face, Mum has a pretty face'
'Yes,' smiled his Father 'Mum is soft and pretty'
The boy suddenly smiles up at his Father
'When I'm a Dad I'll have a spiky face just like you' he states proudly,
'Sure will mate, just like Dad' his Father reaches over and gently tousles the boy's hair,
'And I'll marry a lady soft and pretty like Mum' he whispers softly, with just a touch of reverence.
Oh, this is beautiful. My eldest just turned 5, its such a delightful age. Amazing how, just by listening and transcribing a conversation in your own home, you can grab such a wonderful moment. And I don't even know if you need the additions: in some ways I prefer the first version. Perhaps somewhere in between the two: not so many adjectives. But great detective work ;)
ReplyDeletethis is so sweet... I can tell why it was the conversation you loved the most!
ReplyDeleteWhat a special moment! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThat's so lovely. The way that children view their parents as perfect and want to grow up to be just like them. It does change as they get older, of course it does. But, for that brief time, to be the benchmark that they want to reach is a real privilege.
ReplyDeleteI love how you chose to experiment with the exercise - giving us just dialogue and then adding to it with gestures and actions. I can't decide which one I like better, therhythmmethod's suggestions are worthwhile. I am interested to know - which version did you prefer?
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone! It was nice to pop on here and see all your lovely comments.
ReplyDelete@therhythmmethod - I really love this age too, innocence is so prevalent. He comes out with the most beautiful things. I really love that when he was talking about me it was always at a whisper and with a touch of awe. He has always been that way towards me.
@lisa & Janelle - Thanks, I caught several conversations but this one definitely stood out for me!
@SarahMac- I just love that he thinks we are so perfect and yes, before long it's all gone. Miss 8 no longer sees me as a perfect parent - infact she's quite embarrassed by me!
@Gill- I really wanted to see what the two versions where like and compare them. The more I read them the more I like #1 with just the dialogue. I like it for it's simplicity. And as therhythmmethod suggests maybe not so many adjectives in #2 - this is a bad habit of mine - I'm very adjective happy!
Thanks everyone for your lovely comments, this activity was a lot of fun and I've learnt a lot from it!
Hi Lene,
ReplyDeleteVersion 1 is wonderfully simple but a few elements from the second version could be added too. I think it is just a gorgeous piece of writing and you have captured a lovely moment with this dialogue - you could extend on this and take it somewhere if you chose to? I am learning a lot from reading everyone else's pieces this morning! Gill xo
Thanks Gill, I've just visited everyone else who's linked up and there are some wonderful stories out there! I am tempted to play around a bit more with this activity to see how I go with different scenarios/scenes or do as you suggested and take this one further. Thanks so much for your constructive comments, they are really helpful!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written - both versions.
ReplyDeleteMadmother
So sweet. I prefer the first version, too. The dialogue is very expressive on its own and it doesn't seem to need any explanations.
ReplyDeleteAren't boys just beautiful! I love how they love us, their mums. This post brought a tear to my eye.
ReplyDeleteLovely to visit via Ink Paper Pen x
What a beautiful little boy you have there! A lovely conversation and I love how you incorporated it into a gentle conversation with gestures and all. Realy lovely!
ReplyDeleteOoh, that is such a lovely conversation. What a great thing to have used for this exercise.
ReplyDelete