Confessions of a Prude

When middle sister rang me to discuss the itinerary for little sister's hens weekend, I did not expect the words......'And we're having a sex toy party' to spring forth from her lips....but 'spring forth' it did. After a tense few moments where I was too shocked to say anything and she digested my discomfort, she asked 'are you OK with that?

What could I say? That I.....21st century Mumma to four, modern day woman, in my thirties........am a prude? That somehow the idea of sitting around, discussing and giggling about the 'latest' in autonomous intercourse....makes me blush with embarrassment? That perusing books on various positions and techniques reminds me of how shocked I felt when I was 15 years old.....and reading the very dirty book I found in my Grandparents book shelf. (Of course that fact that I was shocked didn't stop me from reading the sordid tale.)

'I'm sure that will be lovely' I squeaked permissively to my sibling. Lovely...the word only a prude would use to describe an event such as this one.

I'm not sure why I'm so prudish. Maybe it's just because I feel so goddamn responsible all the time. Even when my beloved starts 'hinting' (badly I might add) that he's up for 'it', I give him an affronted slap...'Stop it!' I hiss. Intimacy is important, we all know that, I just find discussing it a tad........I don't know.....vulgar.

'Get off your high horse princess' I hear you scoff - I know, I know, but I just can't help it - It's in my nature to be prim, prudent, straight-laced. Today's society is so sexualised that I sometimes find it a bit overbearing, a bit excessive.....a bit unnecessary?

So attending this particular party was going to be a tall order for me...but attend I did.
And guess what? It was fun....hilarious even. I giggled along with everyone else. I discussed the products with enthusiasm. I even...shock, horror.....bought something.
Although I'm not sharing the details of that with you.........it definitely comes under the title of 'too much information' and we all know how I feel about that!

Most Embarrassing Moments......

I think that some people have a real knack for embarrassing themselves. A real talent for doing things that can only be described as stupid. For creating a scene or planting their foot firmly in their mouth.

I am one of these people.

It sometimes seems that my life can be summed up as one mortifying moment after another.

The time I wet my pants in front of the entire class in Grade 3.....my teacher had refused to let me go to the toilet before my speech so I weed in front of everyone. From that time onward the kids in that class called me "Wee Willie Wee Wee".This moment is seared across my brain forever, Thank you Mrs Ogilvy.

When I had to perform in a high school drama class and kept wondering why everyone in the audience was sniggering at me.... I didn't find out until I had finished that I had a split in my pants and my floral, frilly undies were on display to 45 high school students.....nice.

I've had massive fails falling off podiums in night clubs (many, many years ago) I've called people by the wrong name, I've let loose with insignificant rubbish in the middle of important conversations. I've told jokes that simply aren't funny.

As I got older my ability to make a spectacle of myself lessened. But only because I had learnt to keep my head down, to fly beneath the radar, to never put myself 'out there'.

Recently though, I've become a bit more confident and a little less inclined to worry about what other people think......which means I am once again 'out there' to make a fool of myself.

I was shopping with my sister recently and she had chosen an outfit to try on. She ducked into one of three change rooms and I poked my head into the room she was in to see how she was going...."Oh, that looks really nice on you' I cooed, looking down at the gorgeous outfit on my sister....only to look up and realise it wasn't my sister at all....I was 'checking out' the body of a complete stranger!

Unfortunately there were no holes nearby for me to curl up and die in.

Luckily I don't have to run into that lady on a daily basis...unlike another recent incident where the person I embarrassed myself in front of is someone I see quite often.......

Once again we were at a children's birthday party....we attend these on a frighteningly regular basis. I had noticed that one of the toddlers in the group had wandered into the public toilet on his own, his Mum was some distance away so, being nearby, I poked my head into the loo to call the little guy back outside. Unfortunately one of the Dads from the party was in there at the time........Although I apologised profusely afterward I still hang my head in shame every time I see the poor man. I swear he must think I'm a pervert.

I'm sure there are more moments I could share, but I'd be carrying on well into next week to name them all, so we'll stop at that shall we?

So, come on spill it. If you have ever had a totally mortifying moment I want to hear about it. Just so you can help me feel a little better!